Rodentia In Absentia
Until recently, I kept a list of the three things that kept me sane. Each of them provided a foundation for normality in my life, a platform just a few inches above the water that ensured I didn’t have to go off the deep end.
Of course, this is a lie. I did no such thing. But if I had, then the three rock-solid truths in my life might have been:
1. Any Will Ferrell movie can be condensed into a two minute trailer which will explain the plot, feature all of the jokes, and provide all the confused shouting you really need.
2. Only enormously fat, ghoulish people who, as I have mentioned elsewhere, are on a sinister quest for discount Cheese-Wiz, shop/roam the aisles at Wal-Mart.
3. Dead squirrels do not extricate themselves from my pond and wander off into the wild blue yonder.
Yet my faith has been shaken by the crumbling edifice that was point three.
Before I went on vacation… dead squirrel in big hole in the yard where badly-constructed pond used to be.
On returning from vacation… no evidence whatsoever of said deceased rodent.
For the life of me, I cannot imagine what happened. Assuming that it didn’t clamber out of its own volition, I am left with the conclusion that someone – or something – removed it.
A local cat? Desperate to feast on rotting tree-hugger? Or a lazy and not particularly picky fox?
No, I think the answer is more devilish. I think the other squirrels hoisted the victim out of the hole and took him to a secret location where they buried him. I think the bushy-tailed little fuckers are a lot smarter than they appear, and gather and intern their dead compatriots so that they don’t fall into the hands of scientific researchers, who might discover their apocalyptic plan and foil it.
Just look at the squirrels in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory – evil little beasts intent on murdering children. Or that squirrel on YouTube that has injected its malicious subliminal message into millions of viewers.
Think I’m the first to notice? Think again. Go to this site to see the corroborating evidence against these murderous tree-dwelling denizens.
We must unite against them, take down this lunatic fringe of the rodent world, dash their plans for… why am I writing this?